Tracee Te Moananui
In 2003, at the age of 37 and after a lifetime with no experience of mental illness Tracee Te Moananui became unwell.
“I was living in Kerikeri at the time and really enjoying working as a caregiver in a resthome,” she says, “then all of a sudden I ended up in the Whangarei psychiatric unit.”
“It was quite hard because it was like being thrown into another world. I didn’t know why I had been put in the unit. I guess it was because I couldn’t admit there was something wrong.”
A messy relationship is what Tracee thinks led to her becoming unwell. “I was very angry and said things that I didn’t mean – like I could walk outside and step in front of the bus – it was just the pressure [of the situation I was in].”
When Tracee left the unit she went back home to her family in Paeroa. She says, “My immediate family were very supportive – they didn’t understand it but they learnt with me.
“Other people who knew I was unwell treated me differently. They thought I couldn’t understand them – so they would talk to my Mum or my siblings, even when I was right in front of them. I used to say, ‘hello, do you think you could talk to me?’”
Journey to wellness
Tracee was initially diagnosed with depression and then with borderline personality disorder. It took her almost two years to accept any of the help offered from others. The catalyst for Tracee’s journey to wellness stemmed from a two-year period when both her parents became unwell and passed away.
Everyone thought that Tracee would become more unwell after her mother died, but she didn’t. Instead, it was then she decided that she needed to get well. “My Mum was always there for me and when she wasn’t there anymore, I knew I needed to get well on my own.”
At the time Tracee was living at Pathways in Waihi and credits staff there, as well as her psychiatrist, in helping her get to where she is today.
Tracee also had a community mental health nurse who was good support for her. “She was there for me and I was determined not to get back into the system - I was back to being me and I didn’t want to get depressed again.”
Discrimination
Tracee says that when she became unwell there were extended family and friends that she lost because of the stigma associated with mental illness.
She sees discrimination occurring around her even now. “If someone is walking up the street and they don’t look normal, then I hear other people say – ‘there is that crazy person’.”
Tracee is not afraid to take a stand. “I get annoyed when people who know someone has a mental illness, call them names. I tell them not to put people down because it can happen to them. You never think it will happen, but it happened to me – completely out of the blue – and I never thought it would.”
She believes there are still people who don’t really understand what living with mental illness means.
“I think that people, especially young people, are susceptible to the viewpoints and opinions of their peers and family – so the generational cycle [of discriminatory behaviour] takes longer to break.”
She’s also experienced discrimination when job-hunting. “About two years ago, after I’d come through my experience, I went for a job at a resthome in Paeroa and said on the application that I’d had a mental illness, “ Tracee says.
“When I went for the interview, the lady who interviewed me said there wasn’t a place for me. I asked whether it was because of my mental illness, but she wouldn’t say.”
Tracee stills mentions her experience it in job applications and says it’s up to employers whether they accept that or not. “Why should I hide it? I’ve always been an honest person and I wouldn’t want to go into a job and not have told them.”
Supporting those with experience
Tracee has a friend whose cousin is currently going through her own experience of mental illness.
“My friend had no understanding of mental illness and I said to her, just keep doing the same things that you used to do with her. If you can’t see her, then write to her - just keep up the contact. Don’t stop talking her because she’s unwell.”
Tracee also thinks it is important that people find out as much as they can about what their friend or family member is experiencing by talking to people who have experience and knowledge of mental illness.
“If there are places in your area where you can go and learn about it, then do,” she adds. “Go to the Like Minds website and have a look. If you want to learn what someone is going through, then go out and find the information.”
The future
At the beginning of 2008, Tracee was “‘officially released’ from the mental health system”.
She says the friends she has now can’t believe that she’s been through this experience – even when she tells them.
“I wrote a story about it and described it as going to the airport, handing in your passport and getting on the plane - and then never landing until you get well.
“Now after being in a place where I was scared to go into another relationship because I didn’t have any trust in people, I have a supportive partner - and two cats, Gypsy and Marley.”
Tracee’s sister has also moved nearby and Tracee babysits her three-year-old niece, Chance, every afternoon and enjoys spending time with her. “I’m happy, happier than I’ve been before.”
(first published in Issue 41, August 2010, Like Minds Like Mine newsletter)
