Tips on how to tautoko/support someone

Here are some tips on how to tautoko/support someone who is experiencing mental distress.

• You don’t need to know all the answers. Just ask, just listen.

  • Just start the kōrero/conversation. “I’ve noticed you’re not yourself lately” can be a good opener.
  • Keep listening. If someone says they’re struggling, its a cue to ask “what’s up?”
  • Ask open ended questions to keep the conversation going. 
  • Give and take. Talk about your life too.
  • Ask yourself what’s more important, your awkwardness or their distress?
  • Be reliable, but ensure you set boundaries to manage your own life and wellbeing.
  • Talking can be easier when you’re doing something together – share a meal, go for a walk, take a drive.

• Name calling doesn’t help.

  • Mental distress can be tough. Calling them names just adds to it.
  • Talk to the person, not about them.
  • Ask the person about their own experience of mental distress.
  • Remind the person of their strengths.
  • Take a stand against name calling. When you see others doing it, speak up.

• Talking about it can feel awkward. Do it anyway.

  • Have hope – people can and do recover. 
  • Remember you don’t have to fix someone. Just be there for them.
  • Take time to understand what it’s like for them. Ask how you can tautoko/support.
  • Whakarongo/listen. Let them take the lead.
  • Try not to give advice or offer solutions unless asked.
  • Ask yourself, do I come across as caring or controlling?
  • Respect their decisions. Trust them to know what’s best for them. 

• Don’t leave them out. Keep them involved.

  • Keep inviting someone along. If they say no, don’t take it personally.
  • Let them decide how and when they’d like to join in. 
  • Give someone space and the opportunity to open up at their own pace.
  • Keep in mind that experiencing mental distress can mean feeling a little outside your comfort zone.
  • Keep in contact. Treat someone as you’d like to be treated.